Stay
by wonderwaller
Summary: "It was me.I was the problem.The great Jesse St. James couldn't take care of you.I ruined your future, Rachel, I killed your dreams.I love Stephen,more than anything,but that doesn't change the fact that having him trapped you, being with me trapped you."


[AN: Hi fellow Gleeks. This is my first fic in the world of Glee. It's Future/AU, enjoy!

P.S.- I own nothing, sadly.]

"**Welcome back, forgive me but I'm surprised to see you here."**

"**Well as you can see this emergency session was vital, Dr. Garcia." I explain to my therapist, "But don't worry, this won't require a relocation to my home."**

"**Where would you like to begin?"**

"**It all started with Father's Day."**

Divorced. I am 23 years old with a five year old son and am divorced. Most of my friends are just finishing college, but here I am a 23 year old divorced mother. I always did have a flare for the dramatics. Maybe I should introduce myself. My name is Rachel St. James. I know what you are thinking, St. James? You're divorced. But let's be honest, Rachel St. James is a much better stage name than Rachel Berry. And even though I gave up my dreams for the stage when I became pregnant, I am a firm believer that life is a never ending performance.

"Mommy, let's go." My son's voice tears me from my thoughts. His name is Stephen St. James, after Sondheim of course. He is three feet of pure perfection, Jesse and my best creation yet. He is head to toe is father, from his curly brown hair and his beautiful blues eyes, right down to his feet that are slightly larger than necessary for a boy of his stature.

"Mommy, come on!" He screams again as he stomps his foot impatiently on the ground…did I mention his attitude is all me?

"Calm down, handsome. Are you ready?"

"Yes." He replies with a big grin that is all too familiar.

"Well let me double check." I smile as I lift him gingerly onto the table. "Umpfh you're gonna be too big for Mommy to carry soon, bud. Ok, so let's see. Hair brushed? Check." I smile as I easily run my hands through his silky hair. "Clean t-shirt, jeans, boxers. Check, check, check."

"Mommy, I only forgot that one time." He giggles as I gently pull at the waistband of his jeans.

"Matching socks." I smile as I kiss his feet. "I'd say you are good to go handsome."

"Do you like my outfit?" He asks as he stands up on the table, "I want to look like Daddy today."

"It's perfect." And it is, he really has nailed his father's look, from the black t-shirt to the dark jeans and black socks. "Go get your shoes." I tell him as I lift him off of the table and on to the ground. "I'll grab the presents."

"And the cookies!" he yells as he runs to the closet no doubt looking for his black boots.

"Ready to rock and roll." He smiles as his little hand reaches for mine as we walk to the car. "Can I hold the cookies?" He asks as I buckle him into his car seat.

"Of course." I reply as I gently place the tray of my famous sugar cookies on his lap. The normal 'I'm sorry' lettering has been replaced with '#1 Daddy'.

The drive to his house is filled with singing. My son's, not mine. I've been lucky to fine two voices on this earth that I enjoy listening to more than my own. I begin my calming breathing exercises as I pull onto the familiar street, seeing him truly is a love hate moment. I miss him like hell, but the pain of being so close to him is like sticking my hand straight into a burning fire.

"Mommy, come on! Help me out!" Stephen yells excitedly from the back seat.

I take the keys out of the engine as I silently help him out of the car. The second his feet hit the pavement he sprints to the door. It kills me that our divorce causes him to suffer; he has to go without his dad far more than any 5 year old boy should have to. I collect his bag, presents, and cookies as I awkwardly follow him up the driveway, nearly dropping all of the items a couple times.

"There's my superstar." His smooth voice pulls my eyes up, remembering the nickname once reserved for me. "Have I taught you nothing?" He frowns at our son, "Always help a lady carry the bags." He smiles as they make their way towards me.

"Thanks." I weakly reply, as he grabs the items from my arms. "I'll be back to get him tomorrow?"

"Sure." Jesse replies with a hint of sadness in his eyes. The years have only benefited Jesse St. James.

Our son's tears rip both of our eyes off of each other. "I don't want you to go, Mommy. Why can't you stay? Spend Daddy's day with us and our cookies!"

"Buddy, you know your Mommy has to spend some time with her Daddies." You offer as you attempt to consol Stephen and remove him from his death grip on my legs. "He's got your muscles." You joke.

"They are actually in Prague." I respond, as I fight to maintain my balance.

"What?"

"Dad and Daddy, they are in Prague for a couple of weeks."

"That's right." He responds, "I remember Hirim telling me that."

"You still talk to Daddy?" I question.

"See you can stay! Please stay, I want to play with both of you." Stephen whines into my legs. He definitely got both of our flares for the dramatics.

"Babe, this is not how big boys act."

"Stay." Jesse responds, "I really shouldn't eat all of these cookies myself, it would be horrible for my figure."

"Yea you don't want Daddy to get fat." Stephen laughs as Jesse lunges for him lifting him in the air.

I smile as I watch the two of them together, so happy. "I don't know."

"You're staying." Jesse states with complete confidence as he leads me towards the door. "It'll be fun."

"Last time you said that I got pregnant." I mutter to myself as I enter his house.

"I heard that." He whispers in my ear sending chills up my spine.

We spend the afternoon watching and singing along with various Disney movies. Spending time with Jesse feels totally natural and horrifically awkward at the same time. We did not have a bitter divorce, so we are able to spend time with one another without ripping each other's heads off. It's just sad. It's all so sad.

"Let's wrestle!" Stephen suggests as the Lion King finishes.

"Excuse me?" I ask as Jesse raises an eyebrow

"Uncle Noah taught me. We just have to jump on each other until we get someone to the ground! It's so much fun." Before we can respond Stephen dives at me effectively knocking me back on the couch.

"Ow, why me first?" I giggle as I begin to tickle my son.

"Because you're the easiest, duh." He smiles as he presses his forehead to mine.

"Is that so?" I smile as I lift him into the air.

"Told you, you're freakishly strong." Jesse teases as he grabs Stephen and flips him onto the couch, "1,2,3." He dramatically counts.

"Oh no, I'm out! Daddy you have to wrestle Mommy now!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, bud." Jesse begins to explain as he runs his fingers through his soft curls.

Now I completely blame this boxing/therapy class Quinn made me go to for my following actions. If I didn't spend all of those sessions envisioning Jesse's head on top of my punching bag, I am positive I would not have done what I am about to do. However, I did attend those classes and I did actively envision Jesse as I learned to beat the crap out of the boxing bag so I do find myself flying in the air towards a very shocked looking Jesse.

A loud groan is followed by a sickening thud as Jesse's head connects with his sleek coffee table as we both plummet towards the hardwood floor.

"Mommy you killed Daddy!" Stephen's voice yells frantically as I silently push myself higher on his motionless form moving quickly to his head.

"Oh my God, Jesse." I panic as I finally reach his shut eyes. I killed him. I killed the father of my son, in front of my son, on Father's Day. My mind races as I begin to think of what to do.

"CPR!" I yell as I think back to the parenting classes we had taken together all those years ago. I sit up, knees on both sides of his motionless form as I pinch his nose and lower my mouth towards his. I ignore the sparks that ignite on my lips as I begin to breathe into his mouth. I quickly pull up as I begin to press lightly on his chest.

"Not that I'm complaining, but I don't think we were taught to sit on the body as we give CPR." Jesse's voice appears, "Now that's just bad form, Berry." He cockily smirks as he places his hands behind his head.

"Daddy!"

"Jesse!"

Stephen and I both fall forward on Jesse hugging him tightly.

"I think Mommy won, what do you think Squirt?" He smiles at Stephen from the ground.

"I think Mommy could even beat Uncle Noah! That was so cool!" Stephen smiles, instantly forgetting the scary situation.

"Why don't you go get Daddy an icepack?" I suggest wanting a second alone with Jesse. "I am so so so so so so so sorry." I begin as tears start to fill my eyes.

"Rach its fine." He smiles as he slowly lifts himself up on his arms visibly wincing at the movement, "I actually probably deserved that on some level, but trust me it takes a hell of a lot more than that to bring Jesse St. James down."

"It's not ok!" I yell maybe a little too loudly as you wince at the noise, "I almost killed you in front of our son! I'm too old to not be able to control my impulses, especially in front of Stephen."

"Well if it's any constellation" He begins with his infamous smirk, "I was very much awake for that CPR, and may I just say, I am amazed at how quickly you went for it."

"Jesse!" I hiss as I punch him in the arm.

"Mom! The wrestling match is over!" Stephen yells as he runs into the room with the ice pack.

"It's alright, son." Jesse smirks as he gingerly lays back down, "Girls can never keep their hands off of the St. James men, it's a gift and a curse."

"Girls are yucky." Stephen remarks, scrunching up his face.

"Hey" I interject, "I'm a girl."

"No you're not." He responds thoughtfully, "You're a Mommy, there's a big difference."

"He's got you there." Jesse replies from beneath me. It's only then that I realize that I am still sitting on my ex-husband.

"I'm gonna get you some aspirin." I blush as I quickly jump up and disappear into the bathroom.

I close the door to the bathroom as I collapse onto the toilet seat and drop my head between my knees. I need a moment to process the last few minutes, my rage, the kind of sort of kiss, the body contact, the flirting? I stand up and splash water on my face as I force myself to get a grip. I need to get out of here; spending time with Jesse is just not good for my sanity. I resolutely grab the bottle of aspirin as I make my way back to the living room.

"Alright let's sit you up, I have to go." I start as I look at Jesse who is blinking furiously in his attempt to sit up. Of course as soon as I walk in his tough guy act resumes.

"Just leave it in there; I'll get it in a little. I'll see you tomorrow, Rach."

"Wow, you used to be a better actor than that." I begin as I make my way over to him; I silently place his arm around my shoulders as I guide him on to the couch. "You're not ok." I state as my hand reaches towards his hair.

"I'm fine. You obviously have somewhere to go, so go." He angrily replies, pain evident in his eyes as he swats my hand away.

"Stephen grab Mommy's phone from her purse." I call to my son as I continue to stare at my ex husband. "Always has to be the tough guy." I say more to myself as Stephen runs back into the room.

He hands me my phone as he climbs in my lap and starts to play silently with my hair, "Hey Noah, could you please tell Quinn I can't make it for dinner. There's been a sort of emergency. No, no, don't worry Stephen is fine. Yes, I'm ok too. No it's not my fathers either, it's Jesse actually. I know, but well it's my fault." I begin as I once again reach for Jesse's head, this time he doesn't protest as my hand gingerly glides through his hair until my fingers find the bump definitely caused by me.

"Well, we were wrestling. No not that kind of wrestling. Relax, hey you're the one who taught that game to Stephen. Noah. Are you going to listen or am I going to have to talk to Quinn? Well Stephen suggested it and then got eliminated first, and I kind of tackled Jesse and gave him a concussion. Yea I drove my shoulder just like you taught me, thank you. Yea it did feel pretty good." I smile as Jesse blankly stares at me.

"Crap, sorry." I offer with a small smile, "Anyway, I'm going to stay and make sure he is ok. No I don't want you to do it. No I didn't get any pictures. Yes, I will call you if I need anything. Yes, I will tell him. He misses you too." I respond as Stephen begins to reach for the phone. "I'll call you tomorrow, love you both."

"Uncle Noah says hi, hunny." I smile at Stephen who undoubtedly loves his surrogate uncle.

"And sends me his sympathies I'm sure." Jesse groans as he gently lays his head back against the couch.

"Keep the ice pack on that bump." I offer, ignoring that comment. "I'm going to order some pizza for dinner."

"Yay, Mommy is staying!" Stephen screams.

"Handsome" I begin, as I softly squeeze the little boy in my arms, "We need to whisper around Daddy, he hit his head very very hard." I whisper in his ear and follow it with several kisses.

"Sorry, Daddy." He whispers as he places a kiss on Jesse's temple.

"It's ok, superstar. Why don't we watch some TV while you mom takes care of dinner?" He weakly replies, finally allowing me to see the damage I've done.

I gently lift Stephen off my lap as I make my way to the kitchen to bring Jesse the aspirin and water. I smile as I find the two of them wrapped in each other's arms on the couch. I offer Jesse the water and aspirin with a small smile. I then head back to the kitchen to order the pizza.

_1 New Message_

_Quinn Puckerman_

_Heard you kicked his ass, bet it felt fabulous. Call me tomorrow, I want to hear EVERYTHING. Xo_

I smile as I make a mental note to call Quinn as soon as I get home. I order the pizza as I take in my surroundings, this is really the first time I've spent any amount of time in Jesse's place. It's sleek at sophisticated yet warm, it's so, him. The rest of the night goes relatively smoothly, we eat quietly as you unsuccessfully continue to attempt to hide your pain.

"Can I give Daddy my presents now?" Stephen's voice asks as we carry the plates to the kitchen.

"Of course, handsome, I think presents are just what the doctors ordered."

I watch from the doorway as Stephen excitingly hands Jesse the packages I wrapped just yesterday. Jesse plays the perfect part, putting his pain aside for Stephen's happiness. He shakes and smells each present, guessing what could possibly be in each package. Jesse truly makes an amazing father, surprising pretty much everyone but me.

"Just open it, Daddy!" Stephen giggles.

"If I must." He responds dramatically before he tears open the first present throwing wrapping paper everywhere. "Oh wow, I love it!" He smiles as he sees the picture frame decorated by Stephen. "Where did you get this? And who are those two disgustingly handsome guys in that picture?"

"I made it with Mommy, Daddy. And that's us!" Stephen giggles as he points to the things he drew on the frame. "Open this one next!"

He rips open the second package with the same excitement, "We made that in school!" Stephen explains as Jesse holds the cement handprint. "That's my hand, isn't that cool?"

"The coolest." He affirms as he gently kisses Stephen's head.

"And Mommy picked out his one."

"Oh she did, did she?" Jesse asks as he finally makes eye contact with me before gently opening the package. "Wow, Rach, I love it." He smiles as he holds up the white button up shirt and deep purple tie I bought him.

"Well I thought you could use a color other than black." I joke trying to clear the air.

"You need to hug now." Stephen interrupts. "That's what you do when someone gives you a present, duh Dad."

"Don't get up." I state as I move towards Jesse as he attempts to stand. I gently lower myself into his waiting arms giving him a quick squeeze before pulling away. "Happy Father's Day." I shrug as I sit on the coffee table.

"Thanks."

"So what are we going to do now?" Stephen yawns from Jesse's side.

"Well I think it's time for someone's bath and bed." Jesse offers as he slowly stands up.

"I can do it." I offer as I quickly grab Stephen before he can run away.

"Rach, I hit my head I'm not a cripple."

"You have a concussion."

"I'm fine."

"Sure, so I'll just go home then."

"Stay."

"And why do I have to stay?" I prod as I lift Stephen into my arms.

"Fine, I'm hurt and I need you. Happy?"

"Thrilled." I reply unconvincingly, "Wanna help?" I offer as a truce.

"Absolutely." He smiles as he follows me to the bathroom.

We awkwardly ease back into an old routine and I finally let myself actually enjoy being in Jesse's presence again. Sometimes I'm still really confused as to why we even got a divorce in the first place, I shake my head and try not to think about it as we tuck our son into his bed and kiss him goodnight.

"See you in the morning, handsome." I smile as I lean down to give the half asleep boy a kiss.

"Night, superstar." Jesse follows, leaning in for a kiss of his own.

We quietly walk into the living room where Jesse quickly collapses on the couch and closes his eyes gently holding his head in his hands.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm exhausted, I just want to close my eyes for a little."

"You know perfectly well you aren't allowed to fall asleep with a concussion." I respond placing my hands on my hips.

"A. that's a myth, B. we don't even know if I have a concussion. Just let me sleep here, you can take my bed." He responds as he once again closes his eyes. I grab a bottle of water off of the coffee table and begin to pour it on his motionless form.

"What the hell, Rach?" He snaps as he jumps up.

"You're not going to sleep on my watch. I don't care if I have to pour the Atlantic Ocean on you, you're staying awake." I respond simply as I sit next to him on the couch.

"Isn't the rule that I can sleep you just have to wake me up every hour?" He responds as he lifts his soaking wet shirt over his head revealing his toned abdomen.

"Maybe." I respond, instantly blushing at the site of my shirtless ex-husband, "But, I don't want to stay up by myself."

"Fine. I've missed being with you anyways." He responds as he lazily drapes his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close, "What do you want to do tonight, Babes?"

"You can't do that." I respond jumping up at his use of my old nickname.

"Rach."

"You can't call me that, we aren't together anymore. You chose that." I snap, not quite sure where this anger is coming from.

"Rachel."

"No, you can't invite me in and act all charming. You can't call me Babes. You can't sit there with your arm around me. You can't look at me like that. You can't talk to my fathers like they are still your parents. You lost all of those rights when you threw me away."

"Rachel, can I just."

"No, it's my turn to talk. Listen I know you only married me because you knocked me up but that's no excuse…"

"Is that what you think?" He voice and eyes shoot daggers towards me.

"That's what I know, I never stopped loving you. But yet here we are, divorced. Makes you wonder." I snap partly relieved to finally get all of my thoughts out.

"Loving you was never the problem, Rachel." He states as he moves towards me placing his hand on my face like he did all those years ago. "And don't you ever for one second think that it was."

"Than what was the problem?" I ask with tears in my eyes feeling pathetically weak.

"It was me. I was the problem. The great Jesse St. James couldn't take care of you. I ruined your future, Rachel, I killed your dreams. I love Stephen, more than anything, but that doesn't change the fact that having him trapped you, being with me trapped you."

"Jesse."

"You were destined for greatness, Rachel. And the second you got pregnant and we got married I saw all of your dreams falling by the wayside. And it killed me." He responded tears of his own beginning to form. "The guilt that I killed you killed me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, it was all consuming."

"Jesse…"

"So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I pushed you away. Hoping that on your own without me to worry about you would find and achieve your dreams. So you could have the life you deserve. The life you always wanted."

"God you are stupid aren't you." I respond as I push him back into the couch and angrily throw the ice pack at his chest. "Put that on your damn head and listen to me. This." I begin, "is the life I wanted, Jesse, you. Stephen. Our family. That is a dream come true."

"No its not, Rachel. I know your dreams. I know what you truly want, and this isn't it."

"Just because it's not good enough for you.."

"I never said that"

"Well don't put this all on me. Don't sit here and act like the martyr who sacrificed his happiness for mine. If you know me so well you would have known how miserable I have been for the past three years."

We sit next to each other in silence for what feels like eternity, neither of us knowing quite what how to respond to all of the revelations.

"I'm sorry." He states, "I guess I royally fucked this one up, huh?"

"Yea." I quietly reply, "But I am sorry too. I shouldn't have thrown all that on you when you have a head injury."

"Rachel, I told you, I'm fine."

"Oh yea?" I question as I raise my right hand, gently slapping it against the back of his head.

"What was that for?" He hisses as his hands shoot to the back of his head.

"Just trying to prove a point I guess." I shrug as I begin to play with my skirt.

"I'm gonna change into pajamas. I'll be right back." He states as he makes his way into his room as I set off in search of water to help calm my nerves.

"I set out some clothes for you to sleep in or change into so you're more comfortable." He offers as he grabs my glass of water to take his latest dose of aspirin.

"Thanks." I respond as I awkwardly head to his bedroom where he has laid out a variety of clothes for me to choose from, including some old favorites. I fight the urge to smile as I grab a pair of his boxers I always used to sleep in and a black shirt I was always fond of. I wander back into the living room where I find Jesse sitting with his head in his hands.

"Always so dramatic."

"I really am sorry, Rachel, I ruined everything."

"Let's just call it a truce. I guess we both screwed up."

"Not the way I did."

"Do I have to hit you again?'

"No."

"Well then let's let it go for now, ok?"

"I'm just always hurting you."

"Not on purpose." I reason, as I find myself once again collapsing onto the couch next to him.

"Doesn't matter, still hurts all the same." He responds shaking his head as he stares into space. "I'll fix it."

"Jesse…"

"No. All those years ago, I promised you an epic romance. And I'll be damned if I let you down again." He responds with a new gust of energy.

"Jesse, we can't just fix this all in one night. It can't just be better because you say so."

"Why not?"

"Because we aren't kids anymore, Jesse, we have a kid now. A kid who could be seriously damaged by all of this."

"If we want it to be this simple it can be. I love you. I always have, and I always will. We're star-crossed, destined to be together, soulmates. I know I screwed up majorly in the past, and maybe it took a swift hit to the head to knock some sense into me. I promised you long ago that I would make all of your dreams come true, and I honestly thought I was. But I get it now, Rachel I get it. And I know what you're thinking…"

"Jesse…"

"No listen, I know what you're thinking. This is moving too fast, this is too cheesy. But Rach, this is us. We've always been fast, cheesy, and ridiculously attractive together…"

"JESSE…"

"I know, I'll prove it to you. Name it, I'll do it. I can sing? Call everyone we know and tell them how much I suck."

"Jesse."

"Name it." He says as he turns to face me, his eyes full of passion and drive that I haven't seen since high school.

"You are seriously delusional."

"Oh, well I'm sorry. And I meant everything I said." He says as he begins to stand up. Without warning I stand up blocking his exit.

"I really don't think I can handle a verbal beat down right now, Rachel. Kinda just poured my heart out and my head feels like it's been hit by a freight train."

"You need to stop thinking you know what I'm thinking." I respond as I push him back into the couch for what feels like the millionth time today.

"I don't think I can handle the physical beat down either."

"Shut up." I interrupt earning yet another hurt look from Jesse. "You're delusional if that's what you thought I was thinking during that amazingly sexy speech." I smile as I climb onto his lap, placing a knee on both sides of him. "Because if you really knew what I was thinking, you would have kissed me ages ago."

"Really?"

"Really."

A giant grin spreads across his face as his hands glide through my hair and pull my mouth to his.

"God I've missed you." He smiles against my mouth.

I gently press my forehead against his looking him dead in his beautiful eyes, "I love you."

"And I love you, more than you know." He replies as he pulls me in for another searing kiss.

"**So you see, Dr. Garcia. We would like to change our individual sessions to couple visits." Jesse smiles to the doctor as he gently squeezes my hand that is tightly intertwined in his.**

_Fin._

[So there it is, hope you liked it. Can't say I got it to be quite what I wanted, but please let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!]


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